Dialogues About Death | E10: Funeral Etiquette 101

Dialogues About Death | E10: Funeral Etiquette 101

Funeral Etiquette 101: What to Do (and Not Do) at a Funeral

Funerals can be emotional and sometimes uncomfortable events, especially if you’re unsure of what to do, say, or how to act. In episode 10 of Dialogues About Death, Chris Miller, owner of Thomas Miller Mortuary & Crematory, shared valuable insights on funeral etiquette—what’s appropriate, what to avoid, and how to best support grieving families.

Whether you’ve never attended a funeral before or simply want to be more mindful, this guide covers funeral etiquette do’s and don’ts, what to wear, what to say (and not say), and the importance of showing up.

Why Attending a Funeral Matters

If you’re debating whether or not to attend a funeral, here’s something to consider:

Your presence is one of the greatest gifts you can give to a grieving family.

Chris explains: 💡 “Sometimes it’s not about the words you say—it’s about simply showing up. Presence matters. A hug matters. Just being there makes a difference.”

Even if you’re not particularly close to the deceased, attending a funeral is a gesture of support, love, and respect. It shows the family that their loved one mattered and that they’re not alone in their grief.

Still unsure? Think of funerals as life’s bookends—just as you celebrate the beginning of life at a wedding, you honor a well-lived life at a funeral.

Funeral Do’s & Don’ts

✅ What to Do at a Funeral

  • ✔️ Be present. Even if you don’t know what to say, simply being there speaks volumes.
  • ✔️ Offer comfort. A simple hug or gentle touch on the arm can be more powerful than words.
  • ✔️ Share a meaningful story. Families appreciate hearing about how their loved one made a difference in your life.
  • ✔️ Be respectful. Keep your voice low, silence your phone, and be mindful of the family’s grief.
  • ✔️ Follow the family’s lead. If they request a specific dress code, song, or tribute, honor their wishes.
  • ✔️ Bring tissues. If you’re close to the family, having tissues on hand is a small but thoughtful gesture.
  • ✔️ Check in later. The hardest time for grieving families is after the funeral, so reach out in the following weeks to offer support.

❌ What NOT to Do at a Funeral

  • 🚫 Avoid making it about yourself. This is not the time to overshare your personal grief or past losses.
  • 🚫 Don’t be overly dramatic. It’s okay to cry, but avoid loud outbursts that might shift the focus.
  • 🚫 Don’t take photos without permission. If you must, be discreet and respectful—no selfies!
  • 🚫 Avoid inappropriate comments. Phrases like “It was meant to be” or “God needed another angel” can unintentionally hurt.
  • 🚫 Don’t ask, “How are you?” Instead, say, “I’m here for you” or “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
  • 🚫 Don’t assume all funerals are public. If the obituary says “private service”, respect that.

What to Wear to a Funeral?

This is a common concern, but the good news is that funerals aren’t as formal as they used to be.

Chris offers this simple rule: 💡 “If you’re unsure, wear what you’d wear to church—business casual is always appropriate.”

However, some funerals have themes based on the family’s wishes. For example:

  • 🖤 Traditional Funerals: Dark, neutral colors (black, navy, gray)
  • 🌺 Celebration of Life Services: Bright colors or Hawaiian shirts
  • 🏈 Sports-Themed Funerals: Jerseys of the deceased’s favorite team
  • 💖 Personalized Requests: Some families may ask guests to wear a certain color or custom T-shirts

Bottom line? If there’s a specific request, honor it—and if not, simply come as you are.

What to Say (and Not Say) at a Funeral

It can be hard to find the right words, but the simplest expressions of support are often the most meaningful.

✅ What TO Say:

  • ✔️ “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
  • ✔️ “I’m here for you.”
  • ✔️ “Your loved one made such an impact on my life.”
  • ✔️ “I remember when…” (Share a positive story.)
  • ✔️ “If you need anything, I’m here.”

❌ What NOT to Say:

  • 🚫 “I know how you feel.” (Grief is personal.)
  • 🚫 “They’re in a better place.” (It may not feel that way to the family.)
  • 🚫 “It was meant to be.” (Loss never feels “meant to be.”)
  • 🚫 “At least they lived a long life.” (Grief is painful, no matter the age.)

💡 Tip: Sometimes, saying nothing at all is okay. A simple hug can say more than words ever could.

Funeral Live Streaming: A Way to Show Support from Afar

If you can’t attend a funeral in person, many funeral homes—including Thomas Miller Mortuary—offer live streaming services.

Chris explains: 💡 “We’ve been live streaming funerals for over six years, long before COVID. Families can share a public or private link so loved ones around the world can attend from anywhere.”

Live streaming allows:

  • 🎥 Distant family & friends to watch in real time.
  • 💻 Private services to remain intimate with exclusive links.
  • 💬 Guests to leave messages or share memories online.

If attending in person isn’t possible, live streaming is a meaningful way to participate and pay your respects.

Social Media Etiquette at Funerals

Social media has changed the way we grieve, but it’s important to be mindful of what and when you post.

✅ Social Media Do’s

  • ✔️ Wait until the family shares the news first.
  • ✔️ Get permission before posting.
  • ✔️ Share meaningful memories rather than just an “RIP” post.
  • ✔️ Post after the funeral, not during.

❌ Social Media Don’ts

  • 🚫 Never announce a death before the family does.
  • 🚫 Avoid live streaming a funeral without permission.
  • 🚫 Don’t share private funeral details unless the family has made them public.
  • 🚫 Skip the selfies.

💡 Important Reminder: Publicizing a funeral in advance can also pose a security risk, as it alerts people that family members will be away from home.

Final Thoughts: The Gift of Presence

Funeral etiquette isn’t about rules—it’s about respect, support, and kindness.

At the end of the day, the most important thing you can do is show up.

💡 “Time is the most precious gift you can give. It’s not about the perfect words—it’s about being there.” – Chris Miller

If you have any questions about funeral etiquette, live streaming, or pre-planning services, reach out to Thomas Miller Mortuary:

  • 📞 Call:
    • 📍 Corona Chapel: (951) 737-3244
    • 📍 La Sierra Memorial Chapel: (951) 687-0551

📌 Watch the full episode here: Funeral Etiquette 101 – YouTube

💬 Have a story or tip to share? Leave a comment below!